Hogwarts Region: Day Four

Optimus Prime vs. King Peter of Narnia! The Terminator vs. Cole Train! Captain America vs. Hyde! Frieza vs. Ulysses! Who will be the last fighter in the Hogwarts region to enter the Sweet Sixteen? MaristPlayBoy breaks down the action once again

New to the action? Check out the introduction to the Tournament of Champions here.

Kanto Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Tatooine Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Hogwarts Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3

Our combatants for the day are poised and ready to go, so let’s not waste any more time. On to Hogwarts for more great action!

3. Optimus Prime vs. 30. King Peter of Narnia

Peter is one of the protagonists of the early books in Chronicles of Narnia series. He is later named King, and apparently he’s stood up to some opponents in the series before. I don’t honestly know much about the series because I was never a big fan. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that as a child, he probably isn’t that much of a fighter outside of the series, and all the enemies he faces are scaled down to his level for narrative ease. If I’m wrong, I apologize to the Narnia fans out there.

That being said, I think it’s safe to assume he stands absolutely no chance against Optimus Prime, the most awesome of the Autobots in the Transformers series (the animated cartoon, not the Michael Bay travesties. We all know what I think about Michael Bay’s Transformers). He’s a giant robot with massive guns and insane levels of strength and damage resistance. Oh, and he can transformed into a truck whenever he wants. It’s going to take a lot to take him down. Optimus Prime bowls King Peter over and advances to the next round.

14. Terminator vs. 19. Cole Train

Cole Train is yet another gun-toting musclehead from the Gears of War franchise (trust me; the games are filled with those). He is rather outspoken, courageous, and never backs down from a challenge. He also likes to shoot things. And bowl people over. And shoot them after he’s bowled them over. That’s really all there is to his character. He’s a guy that likes to shoot things. A lot. Though that machine gun/chainsaw combo should be enough to help him do it.

The Terminator is the titular character from the Terminator franchise, acting as an antagonist in the first movie and a protagonist in the sequels. He is a robotic assassin that is perfectly capable of mimicking human behavior to an eerie extent…but he’s not invincible to bullets. Enough bullets will take him out, and as I explained with Cole Train, he likes to shoot all the bullets. Against any hand-to-hand fighter, Arnold’s Terminator would have won out, but in this battle, I think Cole Train takes it. Cole Train advances.

3. Optimus Prime vs. 19. Cole Train

I really hate summarizing these battles in one sentence, but I don’t know what to say about this battle that isn’t incredibly intuitive. Optimus Prime has an incredible resistance to bullets, and he’s too large to get hit by Cole Train’s chainsaw. Optimus Prime can crush Cole Train like a bug or shoot him with much bigger guns. I don’t see any way for Cole Train to be competitive here (though now that I’ve said that, I know someone is going to play devil’s advocate in the comments, which would honestly be interesting to read because I simply can’t see Optimus Prime losing here). Optimus Prime moves on.

6. Captain America vs. 27. Hyde

While there are many retellings of the story of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I’ve decided to use Hyde from the BBC’s six episode miniseries Jekyll for this tournament. Why? Because it’s one of my favorite miniseries ever, that’s why! Great characterization, a healthy dose of menace and conspiracy theories, and some very strong acting performances make this a must watch. Oh, and Hyde essentially has incredible strength, pain tolerance, and reflexes. That’s helpful too.

If you’re wondering why I spent so much time focusing on the show instead of Hyde’s fighting skills…it’s because he doesn’t stand a chance against Captain America, the Marvel superhero who acts as a paragon of virtue and integrity in the superhero community. While he does not technically have superhuman abilities, he is at the peak of human potential in every single category that would be helpful to fighting. He also has his shield, which can block almost anything and is pretty much indestructible. He’s a brilliant strategist and tactician, and he’s got more than enough skills to take out Hyde. It’s closer than most would think, but Captain America moves on to the next round.

11. Frieza vs. 22. Ulysses

Ulysses, better known as Odysseus, is the mythological hero well known for his battle prowess in the Iliad and the Odyssey. He’s a true Greco-Roman hero, capable of out-witting some of the most powerful mythological creatures while maintaing the ideals of courage and bravery set forth by their gods. Honestly, though, I’m not sure what makes him a 22 seed, as he’s not one of the better fighters the tournament has to offer. Yes, I give a lot of credit to wit and cleverness in battle (see Joker vs. White Witch from Hogwarts Day 1), but that doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have the battle skills to counter successfully.

Frieza, on the other hand, is possibly underrated, even with his limited power (as mentioned in the introduction, all Dragonball characters appear in their weakest form). He still has superhuman strength and reflexes, can fly, and has powerful ranged attacks as well, all with Death in the title (he’s evil, if you couldn’t tell). Death beams and Death Saucers are probably the only attacks Frieza can access in his first form, but that will be more than enough to take out Ulysses. Frieza advances!

6. Captain America vs. 11. Frieza

Now, this is one of those close fights for which a case can be made for both fighters. Frieza can fly, has ranged attacks that can be used multiple times (Captain America can throw his shield, but it would be ill-advised, because it either hits and wins him the fight, or misses and dooms him, and given Frieza’s reflexes, the latter is the safer assumption) and is stronger than Captain America. Captain America is an incredibly disciplined fighter whose shield can block Frieza’s ranged onslaught. The combination of these two ability sets means that Frieza staying in the air will essentially cause a stalemate (ranged attacks won’t pierce Captain America’s defenses, but he won’t be able to attack), which means the fight comes down to a one-on-one physical assault…

…And I’m taking Captain America in that one. I know I said Frieza is the stronger fighter (and he is), and they both have equal damage resistance, but Captain America is the smarter fighter, and I think that will win him this match. Frieza is far more likely to attack with reckless fury and doom himself than Captain America, who will bide his time and wait for the right moment to throw his punches. It’s a very close fight, and I’ll admit both can win on any given day, but I’m giving the slight edge, and the victory, to Captain America. Which means it’s time for the final battle…

3. Optimus Prime vs. 6. Captain America

This is another battle that could essentially go either way, though it’s a bit harder to see Captain America’s side at first. After all, Optimus Prime is a giant robot that should be able to step on Captain America and squish him to death, but we should take the following into account before we write Captain America off:

1. Captain America’s shield should protect him from any of Optimus Prime’s ranged attacks. 

2. Captain America has enough speed, agility, and awareness to recognize any physical attack coming for him.

At the end of the day, each fighter has a win condition they’d have to meet in order to advance. Optimus Prime would have to either sneak a laser blast or series of bullets past Captain America’s shield, or simply punch him. The size difference ensures that a physical attack should be enough to take Cap out. Captain America, meanwhile, would have to perfectly aim a shield throw at Optimus’s chest or next to make him short circuit, or climb up Optimus’s body to do it directly. It seems like Optimus’s win condition is easier to reach until one realizes that comparatively, Optimus’s size means that he’s much slower than Captain America. He can’t react as quickly, nor can he evade well. Given the Decepticons are the same size, that was never much of a problem, but here…it definitely is. 

So, though it will again be a very close battle, I predict Captain America will bide his time long enough to get that perfect shield throw into Optimus Prime and steal away the victory, advancing him to the Sweet Sixteen!

Agree with my decisions? Wishing you could chop off my head with the Captain’s shield? Let me know in the comments below, or on twitter at @RedShirtCrew. And don’t forget to come back tomorrow as we complete the Hogwarts Region and find out who is advancing to the Final Four. Until then, this is MaristPlayBoy, signing out.

Rage Month: Transformers

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first edition of what I am officially calling Rage Month. For the rest of November, any article you see written by me (Other than my weekly I’m Just Saying articles) will have to do with a movie or video game that I absolutely cannot stand. I am going to rage like there is no tomorrow against the people that have ruined franchises I held dear and completely fucked up what should have been great movies. I am going to subject myself to these movies for you, my fans, and undergo what is truly a great suffering. I really hope you enjoy this, because I have a feeling I sure won’t.

So what’s on the docket? You didn’t think I would give my secrets away that easily did you? I guess you’ll just have to come back on a regular basis and find out :P.

First up: Michael Bay’s Transformers. Now, I could go on and on about how terrible these movies are. I could rant about how a man who went into the project saying he had no vested interest or sense of enjoyment from the franchise took his narcissism and played it into his usual military fetishistic power fantasy, or discuss how Shia LaBeouf is less likable as a protagonist than a hive of killer wasps heading directly towards me, or rail on how Megan Fox is the least talented (and, in my opinion, least attractive) sex object in cinema, or attack the racism that pervades throughout Revenge of the Fallen and the mean-spirited nature that shines through, but the problem is, I’d be far from the only one to notice all those things. It’s been done time and time and time again by people that have done it as well as anyone could. Really, there’s nothing more I can say that they haven’t. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but go watch the videos and read the articles.

Seriously, I can wait.

I’ll still be here, I swear. Just watch them. I promise they won’t kill you.

See. They covered all that stuff. Nothing I can say about any of those things is going to add anything, because they perfectly echo how I feel (anger included). There is a point that MovieBob mentioned, however, on which I feel I can extrapolate and add to the insurmountable reasons as to why these movies suck so much, so let’s get to one of the biggest things Bay and his team got wrong: Robot Design.

Now, I’m a firm believer that you need more than aesthetics to make a movie great (more about this next week) but a bad movie can be made bearable if it’s at least fun to look at. There are those who contest that the robots are indeed fun to look at and therefore make the actions scenes awesome. According to these people, Michael Bay has made epic looking robots that are badass, so Transformers can at least classify as a mindless enjoyable romp.

Not to be a contrarian, but no fucking way can Michael Bay’s abominations be considered good robot design, and I can prove this objectively.

Art design is supposed to have a purpose, not be haphazard. Every character looks and dresses the way they do for a reason, even if its only a small one. Shia LeBeouf’s character, for example, dresses like a douche because he’s a douche. Megan Fox’s character dresses like a slut because, well, she’s a slutty sex object. I’m not saying these are good decisions, but they are at least decisions, and I can respect that, even if I don’t like it.

What do the designs of Michael Bay’s Transformers tell as about them as characters? Clearly, they’re clunky, busy, and have no cohesive thought. The design means nothing, tells us nothing, and as such, I don’t care about the Transformers he refuses to characterize for reasons I will never understand even though they are FAR more compelling than Shia LeBeouf will ever be in every movie he’s ever made combined, but clearly I’m digressing.

Now, maybe you’re wondering what made the old cartoon’s art design so great. Well, let’s look at Megatron for a second. His purple color had a purpose, as did his sleek, colorless design. He saw himself as a regal ruler over the entire Transformer race, thus the purple. But he was a heartless leader, wanting only power, so the color appears literally drained from him. He wanted to unite all the Transformers under his Decepticon group, and it’s obvious from the moment you see his menacing regal appearance that that’s exactly who he is.

Optimus Prime is done equally well. The blue representing his calm under pressure while his slick red design paints him as the obvious leader. The color scheme makes him friendly to the eye, and the audience immediately wants to root for him Everything you need to know about the Autobots is apparent from the moment the audience sees him, and that’s the whole point.

Ok, now I understand that cartoons might not be a fair example. So let’s look at a modern sci-fi example: Battlestar Galactica. You don’t want to make your robots colorful and likable, fine, there are other ways to make them look sleek and reveal their character. The cylons are easily the most intimidating enemies the modern world has seen. The design is sleek, and the chrome creates a feeling of eery lifelessness that perfectly represent the characters. The red light bouncing back and forth only makes it all the more creepy. They’re intimidating from the get go, which is exactly the point.

Now let’s look at the Fallen. What’s intimidating about that? It just looks like the artist kept drawing sharp things and didn’t stop until he was forcibly taken away from the table. What do all of those accessories say about their characters? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. We learn nothing about them, have no reason to fear them, and honestly don’t give a shit.

Chrome is fine. I like chrome, especially when used appropriately for enemies like the cylons, but Michael Bay’s Megatron and Optimus Prime are busy, clunky, and tell us nothing about them (Then again, their characters were almost nothing like they were supposed to be, so what do I know?). They hit as few points as they can get away with and add tons of things that are extraneous and take away from what they are. It’s a massive waste of an opportunity, and that’s appalling since just getting the art design right could have made the movie bearable.

Then again, so would have any of about a million fixes, since just about everything about it is completely and utterly wrong, but again, others have gone over this.

I think I’ve made my point clear: Michael Bay failed to capture what was the essence of the Transformers and instead made truly ugly character design decisions on top of all the other things he did wrong. As a cheap action movie, the moviegoing public should demand better than this. Until they do, I’m just going to have to keep yelling it until people listen.

Next week: I take a journey to a land I thought I loved and attempt to strike them again.