Total Recall (2012) Review

Went to see the remake of Total Recall today. Find out how it compares to the original, after the break. As usual, BEWARE POTENTIAL SPOILERS.

So here’s the deal: The remake changed a lot of story elements, but that doesn’t necessarily make it bad.

In the original, Quaid (Schwarzenegger) had always wanted to go to Mars, and when he did, he found a world populated with mutant psychics and a man who controlled the air supply. Then he went on a mission to turn on the alien machine which created an atmosphere for Mars.

In the remake, they never go to Mars. There are no psychics. Instead, the Earth has been mutilated by chemical warfare, and only two safe places remain: England and “The Colony” (Australia). And workers commute from the Colony to England by taking a transit through the center of the Earth.

The other story elements are mostly the same – disguises, double agents, is this a dream or is it real questions, stuff like that. But instead of a guy who controls air, the bad guy in this starts blaming the Colony for Resistance attacks and plans to decimate it with his army of Robo-cops. So Quaid has to stop an invasion instead of an asphyxiation.

I did like the actors for this: Colin Farrell did a good job, and Kate Beckinsale was a wonderful terror-bitch wife/not-actually-his-wife secret agent kickass. Jessica Biel was a decent love interest – not much attention was paid to character development for her. And Bill Nighy (I’m always a fan of Bill Nighy) was a cool, if short-lived Resistance leader Matthias (who is not a mutant in this one – remember, no mutants now).

The remake was of course, given a CGI buff-up from the original. Lots of awesome car chases and holographics and cell phones implanted in hands and incandescent tattoos. It was a much shinier, 2012 version. You can tell, cause of the intentional lens flares. It’s a style this decade is cursed with.

The fights were faster and smoother than the original, though not as gory. The original was filled with blood spraying everywhere. On the contrary, the remake shows almost no blood until the knife fight at the climax.
Also, the gravity shift thing while going through the center of the Earth was a bit strange, and I’d have to check with the physics guys to see if that’s how it would work, but it made for very cool, almost certainly Inception-inspired zero-gravity fighting.

Now back to my original statement – that because they changed story elements it doesn’t make it bad. The original Total Recall was released in 1990. And now it’s 2012. We focus on different social dilemmas now, and the remake emphasizes those: over-reliance on technology, economic stratification and segregation, and the role of government.

It’s not without flaws – it didn’t leave much time for characters (except the piano bit, that was nice), and it felt rather flat. And the director must’ve had some obsession with people jumping off of high places in slow motion, cause it happened about every five minutes.

BUT it’s a decent remake, aimed at our time rather than the original’s. And I think that’s an interesting point to think about with remakes – whether they keep their original time’s messages, or rework themselves to apply to today’s.

Anyway, it was pretty and fun, so as a summer flick, I was pleased. Watch the old and the new one if you get the chance, it’s an interesting comparison.

JV out.

Hogwarts Region: Day Five

Voldemort vs. Pikachu! Magneto vs. Captain America! Only one of these four fighters will be able to make the Final Four of the Tournament of Champions. Who will represent the Hogwarts Region? MaristPlayBoy is here to break down the action.

New to the action? Check out the introduction to the Tournament of Champions here.

Kanto Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Tatooine Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Hogwarts Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4

We have three incredible fights ahead of us today, so let’s head to Hogwarts one last time to watch the action unfold.

1. Voldemort vs. 21. Pikachu

Pikachu has been one heck of a Cinderella story, huh? I mean, we hadn’t had a single double-digit fighter make the sweet sixteen before him (the highest was a seven seed), and yet here it is as a 21 seed fighting amongst the best of the best.

Unfortunately for Pikachu, his presence here isn’t really due to an overwhelming amount of power (he was underseeded, but not by that much; I would have made it a fifteen seed). Instead, he got by defeating an opponent whose skill set played perfectly into Pikachu’s favor (Ganondorf) and two fighters relying heavily on power suits that could be disrupted by electric blasts (Samus and Iron Man). It’s just not that good of a fighter at the end of the day.

Voldemort, on the other hand, is the master of dark magic. His power is incredible, and the flexibility of spells as well as his strong strategic skills ensure he’s got plenty of options to take Pikachu out. He can easily cast a spell to shield himself from Pikachu’s electric blasts, or just magically push them away so they sail harmlessly into the air. Pikachu can use double team, but a simple Accio [check spelling] spell ensures that Voldemort will be able to find the right Pikachu soon enough. At the end of the day, Pikachu doesn’t have a win condition here, and he can’t dodge Voldemort’s spells forever. Pikachu isn’t all that resilient of a fighter once he gets hit, and I don’t see him lasting too long in a fight with He-who-must-not-be-named. Voldemort advances!

2. Magneto vs. 6. Captain America

Hey, Marvel, you know the Avengers vs. X-Men event you’re running right now? You know, the one that’s getting very little fanfare and is overwhelmingly being as average at best? Make this fight happen. Magneto vs. Captain America would be one for the ages. It won’t probably make your actual comic any better, but it’d make my life easier, as I could just point to your fight and say, “that” instead of having to break this all down. Sound good?

…

Well, it might take them a while to respond, so until then, I should probably just break this down anyway. Like all Captain America fights, I find the best way to determine the victory conditions for each fighter. The one that is the most likely option is the winner. It’s about time we had a truly epic breakdown. Let’s get to it.

Magneto win condition 1: Magneto can use his magnetism to gain control of Captain America’s shield and try to slice him in half by spinning it rapidly towards him. The Cap couldn’t dodge forever, and he’d probably be too distracted by the shield to get too many punches in, if any. Magneto could just hover above the battlefield and keep slicing away until he won the battle.

Why I don’t like it: Captain America is more than aware that Magneto is the master of magnetism and can control pretty much every metal ever. There’s no way he brings his shield to this battle. He risks way too much than he benefits from doing it, so I’m ruling this out.

Magneto win condition 2: Magneto uses his power to enhance his strength, reflexes, and resilience to physical damage to superhuman levels and takes Captain America down head on. I’d like this, except it directly clashes with…

Captain America win condition: Captain America’s intelligence and battle skills allow him to counter Magneto’s superior strength and turn the battle around, pulling it out at the last minute and advancing. This is really the Cap’s only win condition, but if Magneto went for win condition two, he could pull it off. There’s only one problem: Magneto has a third strategy, and it’s his best:

Magneto win condition 3: Magneto uses his power to enhance his abilities as described earlier, but uses his ability to levitate and alter the gravity underneath Captain America to keep the Cap off balance all fight long. He gets his punches in when he wants, and Captain America can only play catch-up. I don’t see how Captain America gets out of this one; he has no counter to Magneto’s levitation, and he’ll tire well before Magneto will. After all, Magneto is a mutant, and Captain America is a mere human. Magneto wins in a brilliant effort.

Final battle of the day:

1. Voldemort vs. 2. Magneto

I do my best to go into all of these fights unbiased, and while not everyone has agreed with all of my decisions, I’ve felt good about the logic behind every pick I’ve made, and I’m confident that I haven’t played favorites, even when I wanted to (Marth and Ike, you are missed). That said, I must admit that I was slightly saddened when I discovered I had made a mistake in my original take on the Voldemort vs. Doctor Doom battle and realized I had to revise the outcome.

For those of you who didn’t see the article when it originally appeared on the site, I had Doctor Doom upsetting Voldemort with his superhuman strength due to his very strong magic resistance. I had forgotten the Jim Butcher Doctrine (which states that magic will always cause technology to malfunction), and with the loss of his suit, Doctor Doom lost the upper hand.

It wasn’t that I wanted Voldemort to lose per se; I love the master of the dark arts as much as the next guy. I was just tired of seeing one seeds win every opponent against which they came (though, to be fair, there is a reason they are one seeds, after all). I wanted an underdog, any underdog, to take out a one seed to ensure we wouldn’t have a final four of nothing but favorites.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that I have no bias when I say that Voldemort is the rightful representative from the Hogwarts region for the Final Four of the Tournament of Champions. Magneto’s shielding is strong, but it has limits, and I don’t think it stands up to Voldemort’s magical strikes. An expelliarmus spell ensures that Magneto loses his helmet, leaving him incredibly susceptible to mental/magical attacks. Magneto is going to try to do a flying charge with superhuman strength in combination with his levitating skill, but Voldemort will simply apparate to the opposite side of the battlefield. Voldemort is powerful enough to ensure he won’t need to stall for too long, and I don’t see Magneto being able to stand up to the onslaught. Voldemort wins the Hogwarts Region and advances to the Final Four!

Agree with my choices? Wish you could apparate into my room and punch me in the face for being so dumb? Let me know in the comments below, or on twitter at @RedShirtCrew. The Tournament of Champions will be taking a break this week due to my workload being absolutely insane, but be sure to come back on Monday April 30 for the breakdown of the Mordor Region. Until then, this is MaristPlayBoy, signing out.

Hogwarts Region: Day Three

Magneto vs. Shane Walsh! Snake vs. Rorschach! Darth Sidious vs. Marth! Link vs. Catwoman! It’s Day Three of the Hogwarts region. Who will join Voldemort and Pikachu in the sweet sixteen? MaristPlayBoy is there to break down all the match-ups.

New to the action? Check out the introduction to the Tournament of Champions here.

Kanto Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Tatooine Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Hogwarts Region: Day 1, Day 2

It looks like another day of epic action here at the Tournament of Champions. Let’s head to Hogwarts and check out the action!

2. Magneto vs. 31. Shane Walsh

Shane Walsh is one of the protagonists of the Walking Dead franchise, and he knows how to shoot zombies in the face. That’s about all I can say, since I haven’t actually read the comics or seen the show. I know, I know; I need to get on that. I’ve been too busy watching Misfits (awesome) and The Office U.K. (also awesome, for completely different reasons) to get into any other shows on Hulu, and I wasn’t really blown away by the pilot episode, to be honest. I think I’d rather read the comics than watch the show, but I’ll let you know…


…Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be breaking down the Tournament. I’m sorry, but it’s pretty clear Magneto, arguably the strongest mutant in the Marvel Universe and IGN’s #1 comic book villain of all time, Magneto has the power of magnetism, able to control all kinds of metal, levitate, and generate electromagnetic pulses to short circuit any electronic opponent he may come across. He has force fields that selectively decide what can and cannot cross, and if necessary, he can channel his powers into his physical strength and durability to make him a terrific hand-to-hand fighter as well. Once you take into consideration his helmet that gives him incredible psychic resistance, he becomes the most overpowered character in the tournament (and as a two seed no less). He undoubtedly laughs as he uses the bullets Shane Walsh fires to hit Shane square in the forehead, ensuring his advancement to the next round.


Before we continue, I do feel a need to give Magneto a slight nerf; otherwise, he becomes unbeatable. I know that nerfing characters doesn’t seem right, but Superman, Professor X, and the Hulk were kept out of this tournament for the same reasons: they all have no practical weaknesses. No one is going to catch Magneto sleeping and rip off his helmet, nor will he allow anyone to get close enough to do so in a tournament-style situation. As such, I’m removing his ability to control metal on a molecular level (which he was barely able to accomplish in the comics anyway). This still ensures he’s the master of metal but takes away a cheap, insta-kill ability. Also, I chatted with Spoon while preparing to write this article, and she explained to me that the version of the shield listed on Wikipedia is the most overpowered version, and most writers don’t give it quite as much strength. I’m going with the version of his shield that doesn’t make him essentially invincible. Okay? Okay.

15. Snake vs. 18. Rorschach


Rorschach is another hero from the Watchmen universe. Like the other Watchmen heroes before him, he doesn’t have any super powers, but he does go above and beyond the average individual with his other qualities. Rorschach is incredibly resourceful, able to use everything around him to his advantage. He doesn’t let anything go to waste, and his mental instability ensures that he’s unpredictable while still being a brilliant tactician.


That unpredictability is what I believe gives him the edge over Solid Snake, the hero of the Metal Gear franchise.  Snake is an expert spy, a solid marksman, and simply a great utility man in any operation. He’s a very experienced special ops soldier, but none of his experiences will prepare him for the sheer crazy that is Rorschach. They’ll match each other shot for shot until Rorschach pulls out a pepper gun or his gas-powered grappling gun, and Snake won’t be able to counter. Rorschach barely pulls out a victory.

2. Magneto vs. 18. Rorschach


While Rorschach may be incredibly resourceful, its hard to imagine him being able to come up with a ranged weapon that doesn’t involve any metallic objects. His best bet in this case would be hand-to-hand combat. Like I said earlier, though, Magneto can channel his powers into physical strength and endurance. Even if he has no weapon to use in this fight, his superhuman strength will be enough to take Rorschach out. Also, his levitation will make it much harder for Rorschach to hit him than vice versa. The match is closer than most would expect, but Magneto still has this one in the bag, and he advances to the next round. 

7. Darth Sidious vs. 26. Marth

Moment of honesty: I love Marth. One of my favorite characters in anything ever. Most of you reading this probably know Marth from the Super Smash Bros. series of fighting games. In fact, it was his popularity in Super Smash Bros. Melee that convinced Nintendo to release Fire Emblem games outside of Japan (albeit a rather limited one). Turn-based strategy fans like myself, however, know Marth from his Fire Emblem games, in which he is an expert swordsman (he’s slain Dark Dragons) while wielding the Divine Blade of Legends, and an excellent strategist, leading the armies of his kingdom, Altea, to victory on numerous occasions with his brilliant campaigns. I would take him over Link, the ten seed, any day of the week, and he’s incredibly undervalued here.

But much like Ike (who I think was equally undervalued), it’s not going to matter because of his opponent. Darth Sidious, also known as Emperor Palpatine, is a Sith master capable of Force lightning strikes. I’d use my “Sith and Jedi must prove themselves as capable swordsmen as well” clause, but he did that in Episode Three, successfully defending himself against Yoda’s onslaught of sword slices. As a swordsman, I give Marth a slight edge, but I cannot give him any sort of defense against that force lightning (and no, I didn’t take that away like I took out force chokes because it’s not a one hit kill. It’s counterable if the opponent is skilled, and that’s all I wanted to do with my nerfs). Sorry Marth, but Darth Sidious advances.

(Hold on; need a moment to mourn the loss of one of my favorite characters…)

(…Almost ready…)

(Ok, I’m all right. Next match)

10. Link vs. 23. Catwoman

Catwoman is a master thief, capable of sneaking in and out of rooms, safes, and just about anything else you can imagine without being seen or heard. She is very good at hand-to-hand combat, keeping up with Batman on several occasions, and her whip gives her an added level of both range and damage dealing potential. She’s not a heavy hitter by any means, but she can hold her own.


Link (who should have had Marth’s seed and vice versa; No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?) is another master swordsman. He’s the savior of the Hyrulian kingdom, saving Princess Zelda on countless occasions. He’s a great swordsman, archer, and bomb maker, which is really what gives him the edge here. He’s got a lot more versatility in his fighting style than Catwoman. Long range, he can shoot her with arrows, any one of which could be deadly if given enough accuracy. Midrange, he has bombs that should affect a large enough area to ensure she’s hit by the explosion. And if she somehow got into short range, it’s become a battle of whip vs. Master Sword. Link has the edge from every distance, and as such, he gets the victory.

7. Darth Sidious vs. 10. Link

Remember how I said Link’s versatility was his greatest asset (you should, given it was only four sentences ago)? That has now become a weakness thanks to Darth Sidious’s force powers. Arrows will be deflected away harmlessly, or at least sensed quickly enough that he can dodge out of the way. Bombs will be thrown back at Link, hindering Link far more than it could help. And in the short range, Darth Sidious is the better swordsman, and that’s before you factor the force lightning into the equation. Darth Sidious takes out the Hyrulian hero.


Time for our final battle:

2. Magneto vs. 7. Darth Sidious


When I started looking at this battle, I asked the same question that you all are probably asking right now: Do light sabers have metal handles? It’s a futuristic universe; it’s possible that the hilt of the light saber could be made of a number of different things that we don’t even know exist. Well, after doing extensive research (ie. looking at the wikipedia page), I’ve discovered that the hilt is, in fact, metal, which means Magneto can easily turn it to stab Darth Sidious before he can even muster much of a defense. Even if Darth Sidious could dodge out of the way, it’s hard to imagine him being able to dodge a light saber and Magneto’s onslaught of attacks. And as long as he has that helmet on, I can’t imagine Darth Sidious doing much damage with his force attacks. It’s a rather one sided affair, but I’m sure Magneto doesn’t mind as he saunters in to the Sweet Sixteen.

Agree with my decisions? Wish you could rip the iron out of my bloodstream? Let me know in the comments, or on Twitter at @RedShirtCrew. And be sure to come back tomorrow for Day Four of analysis for the Hogwarts region of the Tournament of Champions. Until then, this is MaristPlayBoy, signing out.