Rage Month: Transformers

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first edition of what I am officially calling Rage Month. For the rest of November, any article you see written by me (Other than my weekly I’m Just Saying articles) will have to do with a movie or video game that I absolutely cannot stand. I am going to rage like there is no tomorrow against the people that have ruined franchises I held dear and completely fucked up what should have been great movies. I am going to subject myself to these movies for you, my fans, and undergo what is truly a great suffering. I really hope you enjoy this, because I have a feeling I sure won’t.

So what’s on the docket? You didn’t think I would give my secrets away that easily did you? I guess you’ll just have to come back on a regular basis and find out :P.

First up: Michael Bay’s Transformers. Now, I could go on and on about how terrible these movies are. I could rant about how a man who went into the project saying he had no vested interest or sense of enjoyment from the franchise took his narcissism and played it into his usual military fetishistic power fantasy, or discuss how Shia LaBeouf is less likable as a protagonist than a hive of killer wasps heading directly towards me, or rail on how Megan Fox is the least talented (and, in my opinion, least attractive) sex object in cinema, or attack the racism that pervades throughout Revenge of the Fallen and the mean-spirited nature that shines through, but the problem is, I’d be far from the only one to notice all those things. It’s been done time and time and time again by people that have done it as well as anyone could. Really, there’s nothing more I can say that they haven’t. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but go watch the videos and read the articles.

Seriously, I can wait.

I’ll still be here, I swear. Just watch them. I promise they won’t kill you.

See. They covered all that stuff. Nothing I can say about any of those things is going to add anything, because they perfectly echo how I feel (anger included). There is a point that MovieBob mentioned, however, on which I feel I can extrapolate and add to the insurmountable reasons as to why these movies suck so much, so let’s get to one of the biggest things Bay and his team got wrong: Robot Design.

Now, I’m a firm believer that you need more than aesthetics to make a movie great (more about this next week) but a bad movie can be made bearable if it’s at least fun to look at. There are those who contest that the robots are indeed fun to look at and therefore make the actions scenes awesome. According to these people, Michael Bay has made epic looking robots that are badass, so Transformers can at least classify as a mindless enjoyable romp.

Not to be a contrarian, but no fucking way can Michael Bay’s abominations be considered good robot design, and I can prove this objectively.

Art design is supposed to have a purpose, not be haphazard. Every character looks and dresses the way they do for a reason, even if its only a small one. Shia LeBeouf’s character, for example, dresses like a douche because he’s a douche. Megan Fox’s character dresses like a slut because, well, she’s a slutty sex object. I’m not saying these are good decisions, but they are at least decisions, and I can respect that, even if I don’t like it.

What do the designs of Michael Bay’s Transformers tell as about them as characters? Clearly, they’re clunky, busy, and have no cohesive thought. The design means nothing, tells us nothing, and as such, I don’t care about the Transformers he refuses to characterize for reasons I will never understand even though they are FAR more compelling than Shia LeBeouf will ever be in every movie he’s ever made combined, but clearly I’m digressing.

Now, maybe you’re wondering what made the old cartoon’s art design so great. Well, let’s look at Megatron for a second. His purple color had a purpose, as did his sleek, colorless design. He saw himself as a regal ruler over the entire Transformer race, thus the purple. But he was a heartless leader, wanting only power, so the color appears literally drained from him. He wanted to unite all the Transformers under his Decepticon group, and it’s obvious from the moment you see his menacing regal appearance that that’s exactly who he is.

Optimus Prime is done equally well. The blue representing his calm under pressure while his slick red design paints him as the obvious leader. The color scheme makes him friendly to the eye, and the audience immediately wants to root for him Everything you need to know about the Autobots is apparent from the moment the audience sees him, and that’s the whole point.

Ok, now I understand that cartoons might not be a fair example. So let’s look at a modern sci-fi example: Battlestar Galactica. You don’t want to make your robots colorful and likable, fine, there are other ways to make them look sleek and reveal their character. The cylons are easily the most intimidating enemies the modern world has seen. The design is sleek, and the chrome creates a feeling of eery lifelessness that perfectly represent the characters. The red light bouncing back and forth only makes it all the more creepy. They’re intimidating from the get go, which is exactly the point.

Now let’s look at the Fallen. What’s intimidating about that? It just looks like the artist kept drawing sharp things and didn’t stop until he was forcibly taken away from the table. What do all of those accessories say about their characters? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. We learn nothing about them, have no reason to fear them, and honestly don’t give a shit.

Chrome is fine. I like chrome, especially when used appropriately for enemies like the cylons, but Michael Bay’s Megatron and Optimus Prime are busy, clunky, and tell us nothing about them (Then again, their characters were almost nothing like they were supposed to be, so what do I know?). They hit as few points as they can get away with and add tons of things that are extraneous and take away from what they are. It’s a massive waste of an opportunity, and that’s appalling since just getting the art design right could have made the movie bearable.

Then again, so would have any of about a million fixes, since just about everything about it is completely and utterly wrong, but again, others have gone over this.

I think I’ve made my point clear: Michael Bay failed to capture what was the essence of the Transformers and instead made truly ugly character design decisions on top of all the other things he did wrong. As a cheap action movie, the moviegoing public should demand better than this. Until they do, I’m just going to have to keep yelling it until people listen.

Next week: I take a journey to a land I thought I loved and attempt to strike them again.