Super Smash Brophies

Well, ladies and gentleman, a new Super Smash Bros. is on the way. Super Smash Bros. 4, which I’m sure will eventually be given a more creative subtitle is pretty much destined to be the greatest fighting game ever by any objective measurement known to man (or will just be good fun with friends; always get those two mixed up). That said, before I try to project where the series will go, I think it’s worth going back through the annals of Super Smash Bros. history and handing out awards for the best and worst Smash characters of all time. This…is the Red Shirt Crew Super Smash Brophies Ceremony.

Now, before we get started, I’d like to remind everybody here that the Super Smash Bros. series, while mechanically quite similar between games, has changed a lotsince its inception. Characters have been dramatically revamped, making some much stronger or weaker between games. As such, I’m going to avoid giving awards like “Best Character” because there simply isn’t one character that is the best in all three games. Also, I’m not a professional SSB player, so these awards won’t reflect any professional standings or have a slant towards the eSport scene that’s developed around the game in the past few years. That said, it’s only fitting that we start these awards with a character that’s been a nuisance since the very beginning:

The “Most Likely to Make Everyone Hate You for Choosing Him” award goes to none other than Kirby, the thorn in every Smash players side since the original. It’s not just that his ability to jump multiple times high into the air made him nearly unassailable to the other members of the original twelve, but his B-down turns him into a rock, spiky ball, or other painful object that’s destined to crash to the stage and crush all those underneath. Even when Kirby was painfully nerfed for Melee (he was restored to average strength in Brawl), his ability to troll seasoned veterans by flying above them all and spamming that B-down makes Kirby legendary for his ability to infuriate his opponents. If you ever want to lose friends quickly, pick Kirby. You won’t have to worry about those friends for long.

The “Ultimate Spammer” award goes to Pikachu, whose lightning speed and quick refresh times give him the ability to spam whatever ability is most helpful at that moment. Playing a tiered stage like Battlefield or Spear Pillar? Spam that B-down Thunderbolt for massive damage. Playing a flat stage like Final Destination or the Bridge of Eldin? Spam his B Thundershock for consistent harassment. The B-up quick attack mixed with his blazing speed makes Pikachu one of the fastest and most agile fighters in the game, so setting up opportunities to spam those abilities becomes rather easy. If you like mashing buttons, Pikachu is your character.

The “Most Consistent” award goes to Fox, who manages to be the highest rated fighter according to the tier list that has appeared in all three games (done by adding all three ranking numbers together, with lowest total being the best). Yes, I know I said I was ignoring the competitive scene, but this time, the numbers match what I’ve experienced in casual play: Fox is just consistently good. His speed is solid, his B-down provides a nice counter to ranged attacks while his standard B gives him access to a gun that’s great for harassment. If it weren’t for the nerfs he received between Melee and Brawl, I probably would have broken my “no best character” rule, but it is what it is. The clone (Falco) has now surpassed the master, though only time will tell if Fox is able to redeem his rightful place as the best representative of the Star Fox universe. Speaking of clones…

The “Worst Downgrade” award goes to Lucario, for doing what Mewtwo did in Melee, but much, much worse. See, Mewtwowas consistently strong throughout a match. Sure, he wasn’t the most agile fighter, and the jumps were a tad awkward, but his B shadow ball was as powerful as Samus’s charge attack while also being harder to dodge thanks to its weird pattern. Lucario, meanwhile, has essentially the same abilities, but starts out as a complete wimp, getting stronger as he takes damage. I like the idea in theory, but that’s where it should have stayed. When you play as Lucario, allowing yourself to get hit and take damage is the only way you can do enough damage to get the KO’s you need to win a time match. Even if you play a stock match, when the inevitable one-on-one battles ensue, it’s incredibly frustrating to do such little damage when you play well enough to not be hit. Playing well should not hurt you, and playing poorly (i.e. getting yourself hit multiple times) should not be rewarding in the long run.

The “Wha-huh?” award goes to R.O.B., who has no business being in a game made in this millennium. I honestly don’t get the appeal. I’m sure there are going to be plenty of gamers who have stuck with Nintendo since the days of the classic NES and SNES who were glad to see him but…does he really fit the aesthetic of the game. The whole lore behind the Super Smash Bros. games—what little they have, at least—is based on the idea that all the greatest heroes from the Nintendo universes have gathered to fight each other to see who will reign supreme. Does R.O.B. really fit as a classic Nintendo hero given it only worked for two games, neither of which were all that popular? Nintendo’s given R.O.B. a surprisingly high amount of cameos in recent games, so maybe I’m just missing something, but I genuinely don’t get it.

The “Surprise Success” award goes to Captain Olimar, who manages to be highly regarded among all professional players despite the fact that no one I’ve ever met in person thinks he’s worth anything. No, seriously.  Not once. NO one ever wants to play as Captain Olimar. He’s always seen as a sign of inevitable doom if you get him from the random select. The use of Pikman is strange, and his abilities don’t seem to do much damage. I genuinely don’t get how he’s supposed to be the ninth best character in SSBB or why he’s so popular among the competitive Smash players, but he is both of those things by all accounts. Sometimes, great things come in strange and confusing packages.

The “Wanted” award for surprise character I’m most glad came to the series goes to Snake, the first third party character included in the Super Smash Bros. Universe and a very powerful addition to the group. While slow, his attacks are very powerful. More importantly, however, Masahiro Sakurai, the probably-crazy-but-insanely-brilliant creative mind behind the Super Smash Bros. series, found a way to incorporate a gun wielding character into a largely gun-free environment and make it work. Snake could easily have come off as being out of place given the usually gritty style of his games, but Sakurai found a way to integrate him into the world as if he’d always been there. Absolutely brilliant game design. Also, even more importantly, Snake earning this award ensured he could not appear in the Sony knock-off Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale, making fanboys everywhere rage in anger. For that, Snake, I thank you.

The “Don’t Sleep on Her” award goes to Jigglypufffor two reasons. First, she’s a very underrated fighter that is able to use her B-down rest, B-up sing, and B-side rollout abilities to create very powerful combos that make her incredibly dangerous. Second, I really wanted to make that pun. Sorry (I’m not sorry).

Finally, the “Nintendon’t” award for worst character in the history of the series goes to Pichu for being a completely useless pile of crap. Pichu was built to be a faster, slightly weaker version of Pikachu, which was already a weird concept since Pikachu was already a rather fast fighter and didn’t need to be made faster. The implementation of this, funnily enough, made Pichu toofast, making it rather hard to control. Worse, Pichu is so weak that his attacks actually cause damage to itself. I’ll repeat that because those of you who have never played the game before are probably thinking you read that wrong. Oh no. Pichu is so damn useless that he can’t even attack without hurting himself. Hey Pichu, I know that bullies sometimes take your hand and ask you “Why are you hitting yourself?” while they beat you up, but you weren’t supposed to take that as advice!

If that wasn’t enough, Pichu is incredibly small, and therefore easy to send flying all over the stage. Since it hurts itself with every attack (still not getting over that), it doesn’t take long before Pichu hits the “I’m going to be knocked around by everyone in the game who wasn’t dumb enough to pick Pichu” mark, at which point you’re pretty much at the mercy of every other player in the game. Note, this doesn’t happen in the 70’s or 80’s like it does for most characters; for Pichu, if you enter the 40s in damage (which happens quite quickly when every attack adds to that counter), you’re pretty much screwed. Oh, and since he’s the faster, weaker version of Pikachu, even if he’s able to fight a perfect fight and hit with every attack, it’s not likely to do much damage or knock the other players around. And yes, he still takes damage even when he lands the hit. It is an understatement when I say I could not be happier that Nintendo left Pichu in Melee never to be seen again.

So that’s it for this first round of awards. I may be willing to give out more if you guys like the article (which you should let me know in the comments below), but until then, I’m going to keep checking the Nintendo home page until I hear more about SSB4. May the speculation fly.

Chase Wassenar, aka MaristPlayBoy, is the Lead Editor and Founder of the Red Shirt Crew. He urges all challengers to face him one-on-one, as his skills with Marth are well-known. You can follow him on Twitter at @RedShirtCrew or email him at theredshirtcrew@gmail.com.