The Many Faces of Marvel

Marvel is strange, to say the least.  I already mentioned Squirrel Girl and how strange she was, but Marvel takes even its normal characters and creates alternate forms which are, let’s just say, really weird.  Since the recent Avengers movie means that the main characters are pretty well known, I’m going to use them to give you an idea of what I mean.

Thor – …or should I say ‘Thorangutan’.  An example of Marvel’s love of turning their characters into animals.  The most extensive world is the simian reality, but there are also dinosaurs and dogs, at least that I know of. I kinda want to see Marvel characters as birds, but maybe that’s just me.

Iron Man – A.K.A. Iron Lantern, part of the Marvel/DC amalgam universe wherein Marvel and DC characters are blended together.  You probably guessed by the name, but yes, it is in fact Iron Man with a Green Lantern ring (because giving Tony Stark a power ring sounded like such a good idea at the time).

Captain America – More than any other hero, Captain America has done a lot of time shifting.  Rojaz, the Native American from 1602, Yeoman America in Morgan le Fay’s age of exploration reality warp, Stephen Rogers from the American Civil War, even a future version in 2099.  Of course he’s not the only time traveling hero, just the most experienced.

Hawkeye – Hawkeye is an ideal representative for the MarvelZombieverse — if there is one thing you don’t want it’s a zombie with superhuman archery accuracy (Cap’n Amer. loses his shield, Iron Man doesn’t get infected, sorta, most heroes have their powers, but no weapons).  To make matters more absurd, the aforementioned Zombieverse and simian reality have a cross over at one point.

Nick Fury – Meet Nick Fury’s counterpart, NicoleFury. Yup, “gender bending” runs rampant in marvel alternate realities, in fact you’d be hard pressed to find a character who hasn’t been gender-bent in at least one version of reality.  Amusingly, there is also a gender-bent Nichole Furry in the ape universe.

Black Widow – While it’s much more visible with female characters, Marvel also loves giving characters kids.  In one reality, it seems that Russia decided Black Widow would be put to better use to produce talented assassin children, crossing her genes with the genes of one of Peter Parker’s spidery-genes. Their genes are are then used to make kids, but due to her spider genes, sheends up giving birth to 123 mutant spider children!

Yeah, so basically alternate realities are really weird when it comes to Marvel.  I think I’ll stick to the original, age of apocalypse and ultimate.  They’re classics and I don’t have to worry about a female, zombie, giraffe Professor X using her lasso of truth on Leonardo da Vinci to protect her calfs.

Baker Street Holmes, aka Matthew Bryant, is one of the Red Shirt Crew editors, and has just started the exciting adventure of watching Doctor Who 1st through 7th doctor serials.  You can follow him on twitter @BStreetHolmes or e-mail him through HMCrazySS@gmail.com.

The Most Badass Women of Scifi

In this article, we pay tribute to twelve of sci-fi’s most kickass women.

See who’s in the club, after the break.

12. Dr. Ellie Sattler (Jurassic Park)
            – Now some of you may be confused as to why I chose Dr. Sattler, but hear me out. I draw from the book as well. She is an expert on paleobotany, and agrees to visit the Jurassic Park facility. But through all the shit that goes down, she stays determined the entire time. She runs into an underground bunker to turn on the power, with Compsagnathus and Velociraptors running around in the dark. She escapes several velociraptors, and then (in book) volunteers to go out to the fence and BAIT them to buy everyone some time. This ends with her jumping off the roof of the building to escape. And then of course, she willingly walks into the velociraptor nest and doesn’t get eaten. No big deal. They cut out her coolest exploits in the movie, but she definitely qualifies as a total badass. In her universe, other female badasses include Sarah Harding (The Lost World).

11. Agent Carter (Captain America: The First Avenger)

           – This one is fairly obvious. Out of all the Marvel girlfriends, she is the only one who runs around with the boys shooting at things. At the same time, she maintains her feminine side in the midst of a job usually dominated by men. She’s a crack shot, and in the end, she runs through a hail of deadly blue laser fire right along with the soldiers. She’s a soldier herself, and in her time, that’s quite admirable. Also, she’s has a British accent, which automatically adds cool points.

10. Number Six/Caprica Six (Battlestar Galactica)
          – Six is a Cylon (or cybernetic organism) who was sent in to inflitrate human defenses and facilitate the fall of humankind. She’s a smart, sexy, kickass killing machine who will not hesitate to do what is necessary to get what she wants. But (SPOILERS) halfway through the show she shows her moral side, advocating peace with humanity and becoming a symbol for other Cylons to follow. She is also one of the only Cylons (exlcluding Number 8) who becomes pregnant, although she loses the child, she remains brave until the end.

9. Ellen Ripley (Alien)
          – A while back we did a tribute article just to Sigourney Weaver, who portrayed a normal woman in extraordinary circumstances. She was a scientist aboard the Nostromos when she had to face Xenomorphs and rogue AI. She survived it all (by being a badass) and even went back to the planet, saving a little girl named Newt from certain death and defeating a nasty Xenomorph Queen. She never had children, but she would’ve made an awesome mother. A landmark character in sci-fi history.

8. Josephine Lupo (Eureka)
          – Jo is the deputy sheriff for a town full of geniuses. She’s ex-military special forces, with a vengeance. She’ll take whatever crisis comes her way and handle it, all while trying to find the perfect man. She’s a total kickass, ’nuff said.

7. Zoe Washburne (Firefly)
          – Zoe is the first mate aboard the ship Serenity, and boy is that a job. She survived the war for independence with Captain Malcolm Reynolds and they’ve worked together ever since, getting out of more crazy shenanigans than normally possible. She stays calm under fire, and always does the right thing. She also wants to start a family, with her husband Wash, the ship’s pilot. Always prepared for any sticky situation, Zoe’s got your back no matter what.

6. Katniss Everdeen (The Hunger Games)
          – Katniss went to the Hunger Games (a fight to the death between 24 kids) in order to save her sister. She is an expert archer and survivalist. She’ll kill if she has to, but she doesn’t enjoy it, which puts her above some of the opponents she has to face. She does everything out of love, and SPOILER it inspires a revolution.

5. Black Widow/ Natasha Romanoff (Iron Man 2, The Avengers)
          – Natasha is a secret agent working for SHIELD who has dealt with a lot of crap (not to mention Tony Stark’s attitude). She’ll kick your ass, and she’ll do it with smooth grace, without even messing up her hair. She plays a key role in saving the world in The Avengers.

4. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace (Battlestar Galactica)
          – “I’m your best shot, in or out of the cockpit”. She’s a badass star pilot who survived the Cylon holocaust. She gets lots of kills and lots of men. While she may not always be the best role model (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc) she will accomplish the mission at whatever cost. She returns to a war zone just because she promised to save Anders, and she’ll disobey orders if it means saving lives.

3. Alice (Resident Evil franchise)
          – She kills zombies. In strappy clothing. With snarky attitude and slinky outfits. With shotguns filled with quarters. Sometimes with psionic superpowers. With katanas and throwing knives and guns and everything else she can get her hands on. She just keeps coming after the bad guys, and protecting her friends from mutants. How is that not badass?

2. Olivia Dunham (Fringe)
          – She’s an FBI agent recuited to Fringe division. She’s also a brilliant shot and an intelligent woman. She’s got some past issues with her stepfather, and being experimented on as a child, but no matter what happens, no matter what universe she’s in, every version of her is a total kick ass investigator. She’ll get to the bottom of any mystery, no matter how strange. And she might even get the guy along the way.

AND THE MOST BADASS SCI-FI WOMAN AWARD GOES TO:

1. River Tam (Firefly/Serenity)
          – She’ll fuck you up.

Of course, these are only twelve of the many badass women scifi has to offer. There are many others, and many in fantasy as well. Didn’t see your favorite up here? Post a comment and let us know! Tune in next time for the most badass women of fantasy!

– JV out.

What’s Next for Marvel Day One: Supporting Characters

Yes, the Avengers was an incredible movie that literally rocked my world and fulfilled all of my childhood dreams, but with the exception of the eight more times I plan to see it, now seems like the best time to look into the future and examine what Marvel Studios will do next in the first of a two part series.

Given how overwhelmingly successful The Avengers just was for Marvel, I’m under the impression that the guys running things in the movie department really know what they’re doing with this project. That also means that they’re well aware that their ability to continue bringing in giant bags of money is directly dependent on what they do with phase two of their Marvel continuity plan. Phase one, bringing the Avengers to the big screen, was executed perfectly, but that success will not be replicated by simply doing the same thing over and over again. What keeps Avengers books interesting in the comic book world, and what will be necessary if the movies are to be successful, is their ability to mesh high profile heroes like Captain America and Iron Man with their B and C list counterparts, thus keeping an interesting variety in the characters.

Now, don’t take this to understand that I’m tired of these properties already. Far from it. I’m already eager for Iron Man 3, Thor 2, and Captain America 2, but I’m equally interested, perhaps even more so, with the new properties that are entering this cinematic universe and the new characters that will be brought forth from already established properties. How this phase of the process is handled will determine how long Marvel will reign supreme in the comic book movie world. If they can integrate lower level heroes and make audiences fall in love with them, their empire may last for decades. If not, we’ll look back on these days with the notion that the experiment was an overwhelming success that still had so much more potential to give.

But who are these characters I speak of, and what movies could possibly be coming to expand on this already expansive universe? Well, this is where I get to put on my speculation hat and make some predictions of what will come next from Marvel Headquarters. If nothing else, Marvel’s success with these movies has given them a lot of trust from their audience, and they now have the freedom to pursue all or none of these ideas in time, but the comic book nerd in me is hoping that each of these will see the light of day at some point.

Today, I’m looking at the characters from already established franchises that I believe would make good fits in the movie universe, specifically as members of the Avengers. Each one of these characters would fulfill a very important role in the Marvel Universe: sustainability. Most of them are variations of the already existing main characters, which means their skill set would not be lost if, say, an actor got tired of playing the same part after a while. It also means that there can be a mix and match with the two parts shuffling in and out as necessary, keeping things new with new personalities and the chemistry issues that can bring while still enjoying similar battle styles. It’s a win for everybody, especially the fans. Let’s get started!

Red Hulk


Who he is: Remember 2008’s The Incredible Hulk? Well, there may be a good reason why Marvel kept the movie in continuity despite the relatively lower quality of the movie and changing the main actor (a wise choice, as Mark Ruffalo was incredible). Thunderbolt Ross, the guy who was in charge of overseeing Bruce Banner’s project and spent the rest of the movie trying to hunt the Hulk down becomes crazy trying to destroy the creature that is attacking his city and making a mockery of his armed forces. He exposes himself to gamma radiation and becomes the Red Hulk. In this form, he is able to maintain his intellect and remains a master of battle strategy, but his rage emits heat instead of making him stronger, and too much of it can weaken him severely.

How he’d fit in: If Marvel ever made an Incredible Hulk 2, he’d be the perfect villain. His daughter is Banner’s romantic interest, which makes his discovery that his daughter is literally sleeping with the enemy the perfect catalyst to convince him to go mad to try to stop the Hulk at any cost. Even if the Hulk seems to have learned how to keep his cool in most situations, a charging Red Hulk coming towards him would definitely be enough to bring out his angrier side. A giant Hulk v. Hulk battle would be fun to watch, and in the end, Banner’s ability to help General Ross control that deadly weakness of his would be enough to get him to join the Avengers. A more strategic Hulk would be a valuable asset on the battlefield.

Likelihood: Not that good, sadly. There seems to be a definitive peak on revenue brought in from Hulk movies; though the 2008 movie was far superior to its 2003 brethren, the final box office numbers were nearly identical. Yes, Red Hulk has been very popular in the comic book world, but that rarely leads to increased revenue on its own. Given the Hulk seemed to have good self-control over his anger issues in The Avengers, it’s hard to imagine any movie in which Thunderbolt is driven to these lengths that isn’t pretty contrived. Also, there might not be enough to distinguish the Red Hulk from Abomination, the villain from the last Hulk movie that also had a similar power set to the Hulk. If another Hulk movie is going to be made, I wouldn’t rule this out, but it may be a while before this becomes a true possibility.

War Machine


Who he is: You’ve already met War Machine if you watched Iron Man 2. James Rhodes is a lieutenant colonel in the Marines who also happens to be friends with Tony Stark. In the movie universe, Rhodes has to use Stark’s newest power suit to prevent Tony from self-destructing and damaging others while drunk in the Iron Man suit at a birthday party gone out of control. Rhodes kept the suit and put it in the hands of Justin Hammer, Stark’s rival who had a weapons deal with the United States, went mad with power, and trying to kill a whole bunch of people. Eventually, Rhodes was able to help Tony fight off all the attack drones and save the day, keeping the suit for himself in the aftermath.

How he’d fit in: Rhodes is essentially a more disciplined Iron Man. His military strategy and ability to follow orders makes him a far more easy to work with replacement should Tony Stark have to go out of the picture for a while. He’s a true professional while also being a complete badass in that power armor, which uses more traditional weaponry than Iron Man’s energy beams. Introducing him to S.H.I.E.L.D. could also create some interesting tension in their relationship, as Stark prides himself on being the best, and War Machine gives him a solid run for his money.

Likelihood: We are literally a big naming moment away from already seeing this happen. To what degree the character will be integrated has yet to be seen, but Rhodes seems like the most likely candidate to join Stark on the Avengers from the other characters in the Iron Man universe. Given Rhodes has already been confirmed for Iron Man 3 and is listed, at least on wikipedia, as War Machine, I get the feeling we’ll see very soon just how big a figure War Machine will be in the Marvel Movie Universe.

Valkyrie


Who she is: Valkyrie is the strongest of the Valkyrior, who are very similar to the Norse mythological warriors known as valkyrie. While not a god like Thor, she does age far more slowly and has superhuman strength and toughness. Her age has given her centuries of combat experience, making her one of the most notable strategic minds in addition to her incredible combat skills. Valkyrie also has a weird connection with death, able to sense when someone is about to die and able to take spirits back and forth between the realms of the living and the dead (this gives her a weird attraction to Deadpool, whose rights sadly are not with the Marvel movies studio; that scene alone would be worth putting her into cinematic form).

How she’d fit in: With no offense meant to Black Widow, there simply aren’t many female superheroes that can claim the power that Valkyrie does. Having a strong female character known for her prowess on the battlefield more than her beauty (though her beauty doesn’t hurt) can only be good for the Marvel universe. Also, she plays perfectly off of Thor’s character flaws of humility, as she is a formidable match for him, and I doubt Thor would take too kindly to being seriously challenged by a female warrior.

Likelihood: Moderate to high. She’s been on several Avengers teams in the past, and her abilities on the battlefield as a guardian of sorts make her exactly the kind of warrior S.H.I.E.L.D. would want for their Avenger initiative. Protecting a planet like Earth would come naturally for her, and I would not be surprised to see her leading a charge of Valkyrior into battle the next time a truly dangerous threat comes around.


Beta Ray Bill


Who he is: Beta Ray Bill is a Korbinite, an alien species from a far away galaxy that has been rendered nearly extinct, that crash lands on Earth. In the comics, Bill fights and defeats Thor’s alter ego. While Thor is unconscious, Bill finds and is able to wield Mjolnir, deemed worthy by the hammer itself. After discovering what had happened, Thor challenges Bill to a battle for the hammer, which drains both fighters but eventually finds Bill the winner (he emerges from being knocked out slightly before Thor does). Thor is dismayed at first, but Bill is so filled with respect for everyone’s favorite Asgardian that he lets Thor keep Mjolnir. For his strength and virtue, Odin grants Bill his own hammer called Stormbreaker, which has the same powers as Mjolnir, and Thor and Bill become true brothers-in-arms.

How he’d fit in: Again, Thor is a hero whose flaw comes from his lack of humility, and giving him a challenge like this where he’d have to accept that there are many out there with power that can surpass even his own, provides exactly the kind of foil needed to have the character grow. Beta Ray Bill is definitely a fun character in his own right, whose incredible combat abilities would make him very fun to watch.

Likelihood: Depends on what you’re looking for. Every other character on this list has spent time with the Avengers and is a good fit for that team, but Beta Ray Bill has never done that, and given his character, I don’t see any reason he would. He could, however, assist the Avengers against a certain bad guy that may have been revealed at the end of The Avengers as a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy (more on that tomorrow). If a Guardians of the Galaxy movie is announced, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Beta Ray Bill as a member at some point, and since Marvel has shown that nothing is too comic-y to be put to film, Bill’s quirky characteristics don’t rule him out.

Falcon

Who he is: Falcon is widely recognized as mainstream comics’ first African-American superhero. Though his early days were largely defined by his status as outsider because of his race, the character has largely grown past that due in large part to his friendship with Captain America, who helped train him in martial arts and turn him into an incredibly capable fighter in addition to the empathic link he shares with birds. He’s able to command birds to his will to some extent (it changes depending on the writer), tap into their memories to determine what they’ve seen (though their lack of concept of time means events can be out of order), and see through their eyes to spy on enemies or find someone who is missing.

How he’d fit in: I hate to play the diversity card, but having a strong minority character can only be a good thing for Marvel marketing. Outside of that, such spying abilities would make him a perfect addition to any espionage mission the Avengers would need to pull, and his fighting skills ensure that he’ll be a valuable asset when battles roll around. Also, and this may be just me, but I feel as if the Cap needs a friend to get him through the harsh transition into the modern world, and the two characters bounce off each other really well.

Likelihood: Low to mid, probably. One should never rule out a strong minority character with the interesting skill set that Falcon has, but he’s probably not the biggest priority from Captain America continuity. I could see Falcon showing up in Captain America 3, if such a movie is ever made, before I would believe he’d make an appearance in Captain America 2. Especially since there’s a really obvious choice that comic fans everywhere are clamoring for…

Winter Soldier


Who he is: Remember Bucky Barnes, Captain America’s best friend from the first movie? Were you heartbroken when he fell to his death in that mission gone wrong? Well, have no fear! Being frozen isn’t the death it used to be, at least not in the comic universe. It turns out that the Soviets discovered Bucky’s frozen body and all but brainwashes him, taking advantage of his amnesia to turn him into one of the most effective assassin’s the Russians had ever seen, the Winter Soldier. Heck, he even has a brief romance with the Black Widow (and we know movie audiences are just looking for reasons to put Scarlett Johansson in a tight leather outfit again).

How he’d fit in: In my perfect world, Captain America 2 is essentially the Winter Soldier’s story. Cap is mourning over the loss of everything he loved when a deadly assassin starts reaping havoc on important S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives. Captain America is called in and starts hearing rumors that this assassin is, in fact, his best friend Bucky brought back from almost certain death. With mixed feelings, the Cap now has to go off and fight his best friend, hoping to restore his memory and bring him back into the fold. The climatic scene where Captain America reminds him of the soldier he used to be and Bucky breaks down with guilt would be incredibly powerful if done properly, and the two would be reunited after all these years. Marvel can take all my money if they pull that movie off properly.

Likelihood: I have to think this is where they’re going with this. They never did show Bucky’s body, and honestly, I’m not sure where else Captain America’s story would likely go without this kind of blast from the past. It’s the most fun storyline I can come up with, the deep emotions behind it would make it one of the most memorable of the marvel cinematic universe if done right. With the exception of the inevitable Avengers 2, the idea of having a Captain America movie with the Winter Solider is by far the most exciting possibility in my mind, and I really hope the heads of the Marvel movie studios agree.

Now it’s time to let me know who you think would make a good addition to the Avengers roster from the Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America universes. Sound off in the comments below, or follow us on twitter at @RedShirtCrew. And don’t forget to come back tomorrow when I look at which new Marvel movie franchises are likely to see the light of day. Until then, this is MaristPlayBoy, signing out.

Hogwarts Region: Day Five

Voldemort vs. Pikachu! Magneto vs. Captain America! Only one of these four fighters will be able to make the Final Four of the Tournament of Champions. Who will represent the Hogwarts Region? MaristPlayBoy is here to break down the action.

New to the action? Check out the introduction to the Tournament of Champions here.

Kanto Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Tatooine Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Hogwarts Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4

We have three incredible fights ahead of us today, so let’s head to Hogwarts one last time to watch the action unfold.

1. Voldemort vs. 21. Pikachu

Pikachu has been one heck of a Cinderella story, huh? I mean, we hadn’t had a single double-digit fighter make the sweet sixteen before him (the highest was a seven seed), and yet here it is as a 21 seed fighting amongst the best of the best.

Unfortunately for Pikachu, his presence here isn’t really due to an overwhelming amount of power (he was underseeded, but not by that much; I would have made it a fifteen seed). Instead, he got by defeating an opponent whose skill set played perfectly into Pikachu’s favor (Ganondorf) and two fighters relying heavily on power suits that could be disrupted by electric blasts (Samus and Iron Man). It’s just not that good of a fighter at the end of the day.

Voldemort, on the other hand, is the master of dark magic. His power is incredible, and the flexibility of spells as well as his strong strategic skills ensure he’s got plenty of options to take Pikachu out. He can easily cast a spell to shield himself from Pikachu’s electric blasts, or just magically push them away so they sail harmlessly into the air. Pikachu can use double team, but a simple Accio [check spelling] spell ensures that Voldemort will be able to find the right Pikachu soon enough. At the end of the day, Pikachu doesn’t have a win condition here, and he can’t dodge Voldemort’s spells forever. Pikachu isn’t all that resilient of a fighter once he gets hit, and I don’t see him lasting too long in a fight with He-who-must-not-be-named. Voldemort advances!

2. Magneto vs. 6. Captain America

Hey, Marvel, you know the Avengers vs. X-Men event you’re running right now? You know, the one that’s getting very little fanfare and is overwhelmingly being as average at best? Make this fight happen. Magneto vs. Captain America would be one for the ages. It won’t probably make your actual comic any better, but it’d make my life easier, as I could just point to your fight and say, “that” instead of having to break this all down. Sound good?

…

Well, it might take them a while to respond, so until then, I should probably just break this down anyway. Like all Captain America fights, I find the best way to determine the victory conditions for each fighter. The one that is the most likely option is the winner. It’s about time we had a truly epic breakdown. Let’s get to it.

Magneto win condition 1: Magneto can use his magnetism to gain control of Captain America’s shield and try to slice him in half by spinning it rapidly towards him. The Cap couldn’t dodge forever, and he’d probably be too distracted by the shield to get too many punches in, if any. Magneto could just hover above the battlefield and keep slicing away until he won the battle.

Why I don’t like it: Captain America is more than aware that Magneto is the master of magnetism and can control pretty much every metal ever. There’s no way he brings his shield to this battle. He risks way too much than he benefits from doing it, so I’m ruling this out.

Magneto win condition 2: Magneto uses his power to enhance his strength, reflexes, and resilience to physical damage to superhuman levels and takes Captain America down head on. I’d like this, except it directly clashes with…

Captain America win condition: Captain America’s intelligence and battle skills allow him to counter Magneto’s superior strength and turn the battle around, pulling it out at the last minute and advancing. This is really the Cap’s only win condition, but if Magneto went for win condition two, he could pull it off. There’s only one problem: Magneto has a third strategy, and it’s his best:

Magneto win condition 3: Magneto uses his power to enhance his abilities as described earlier, but uses his ability to levitate and alter the gravity underneath Captain America to keep the Cap off balance all fight long. He gets his punches in when he wants, and Captain America can only play catch-up. I don’t see how Captain America gets out of this one; he has no counter to Magneto’s levitation, and he’ll tire well before Magneto will. After all, Magneto is a mutant, and Captain America is a mere human. Magneto wins in a brilliant effort.

Final battle of the day:

1. Voldemort vs. 2. Magneto

I do my best to go into all of these fights unbiased, and while not everyone has agreed with all of my decisions, I’ve felt good about the logic behind every pick I’ve made, and I’m confident that I haven’t played favorites, even when I wanted to (Marth and Ike, you are missed). That said, I must admit that I was slightly saddened when I discovered I had made a mistake in my original take on the Voldemort vs. Doctor Doom battle and realized I had to revise the outcome.

For those of you who didn’t see the article when it originally appeared on the site, I had Doctor Doom upsetting Voldemort with his superhuman strength due to his very strong magic resistance. I had forgotten the Jim Butcher Doctrine (which states that magic will always cause technology to malfunction), and with the loss of his suit, Doctor Doom lost the upper hand.

It wasn’t that I wanted Voldemort to lose per se; I love the master of the dark arts as much as the next guy. I was just tired of seeing one seeds win every opponent against which they came (though, to be fair, there is a reason they are one seeds, after all). I wanted an underdog, any underdog, to take out a one seed to ensure we wouldn’t have a final four of nothing but favorites.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that I have no bias when I say that Voldemort is the rightful representative from the Hogwarts region for the Final Four of the Tournament of Champions. Magneto’s shielding is strong, but it has limits, and I don’t think it stands up to Voldemort’s magical strikes. An expelliarmus spell ensures that Magneto loses his helmet, leaving him incredibly susceptible to mental/magical attacks. Magneto is going to try to do a flying charge with superhuman strength in combination with his levitating skill, but Voldemort will simply apparate to the opposite side of the battlefield. Voldemort is powerful enough to ensure he won’t need to stall for too long, and I don’t see Magneto being able to stand up to the onslaught. Voldemort wins the Hogwarts Region and advances to the Final Four!

Agree with my choices? Wish you could apparate into my room and punch me in the face for being so dumb? Let me know in the comments below, or on twitter at @RedShirtCrew. The Tournament of Champions will be taking a break this week due to my workload being absolutely insane, but be sure to come back on Monday April 30 for the breakdown of the Mordor Region. Until then, this is MaristPlayBoy, signing out.

Hogwarts Region: Day Four

Optimus Prime vs. King Peter of Narnia! The Terminator vs. Cole Train! Captain America vs. Hyde! Frieza vs. Ulysses! Who will be the last fighter in the Hogwarts region to enter the Sweet Sixteen? MaristPlayBoy breaks down the action once again

New to the action? Check out the introduction to the Tournament of Champions here.

Kanto Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Tatooine Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

Hogwarts Region: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3

Our combatants for the day are poised and ready to go, so let’s not waste any more time. On to Hogwarts for more great action!

3. Optimus Prime vs. 30. King Peter of Narnia

Peter is one of the protagonists of the early books in Chronicles of Narnia series. He is later named King, and apparently he’s stood up to some opponents in the series before. I don’t honestly know much about the series because I was never a big fan. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that as a child, he probably isn’t that much of a fighter outside of the series, and all the enemies he faces are scaled down to his level for narrative ease. If I’m wrong, I apologize to the Narnia fans out there.

That being said, I think it’s safe to assume he stands absolutely no chance against Optimus Prime, the most awesome of the Autobots in the Transformers series (the animated cartoon, not the Michael Bay travesties. We all know what I think about Michael Bay’s Transformers). He’s a giant robot with massive guns and insane levels of strength and damage resistance. Oh, and he can transformed into a truck whenever he wants. It’s going to take a lot to take him down. Optimus Prime bowls King Peter over and advances to the next round.

14. Terminator vs. 19. Cole Train

Cole Train is yet another gun-toting musclehead from the Gears of War franchise (trust me; the games are filled with those). He is rather outspoken, courageous, and never backs down from a challenge. He also likes to shoot things. And bowl people over. And shoot them after he’s bowled them over. That’s really all there is to his character. He’s a guy that likes to shoot things. A lot. Though that machine gun/chainsaw combo should be enough to help him do it.

The Terminator is the titular character from the Terminator franchise, acting as an antagonist in the first movie and a protagonist in the sequels. He is a robotic assassin that is perfectly capable of mimicking human behavior to an eerie extent…but he’s not invincible to bullets. Enough bullets will take him out, and as I explained with Cole Train, he likes to shoot all the bullets. Against any hand-to-hand fighter, Arnold’s Terminator would have won out, but in this battle, I think Cole Train takes it. Cole Train advances.

3. Optimus Prime vs. 19. Cole Train

I really hate summarizing these battles in one sentence, but I don’t know what to say about this battle that isn’t incredibly intuitive. Optimus Prime has an incredible resistance to bullets, and he’s too large to get hit by Cole Train’s chainsaw. Optimus Prime can crush Cole Train like a bug or shoot him with much bigger guns. I don’t see any way for Cole Train to be competitive here (though now that I’ve said that, I know someone is going to play devil’s advocate in the comments, which would honestly be interesting to read because I simply can’t see Optimus Prime losing here). Optimus Prime moves on.

6. Captain America vs. 27. Hyde

While there are many retellings of the story of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I’ve decided to use Hyde from the BBC’s six episode miniseries Jekyll for this tournament. Why? Because it’s one of my favorite miniseries ever, that’s why! Great characterization, a healthy dose of menace and conspiracy theories, and some very strong acting performances make this a must watch. Oh, and Hyde essentially has incredible strength, pain tolerance, and reflexes. That’s helpful too.

If you’re wondering why I spent so much time focusing on the show instead of Hyde’s fighting skills…it’s because he doesn’t stand a chance against Captain America, the Marvel superhero who acts as a paragon of virtue and integrity in the superhero community. While he does not technically have superhuman abilities, he is at the peak of human potential in every single category that would be helpful to fighting. He also has his shield, which can block almost anything and is pretty much indestructible. He’s a brilliant strategist and tactician, and he’s got more than enough skills to take out Hyde. It’s closer than most would think, but Captain America moves on to the next round.

11. Frieza vs. 22. Ulysses

Ulysses, better known as Odysseus, is the mythological hero well known for his battle prowess in the Iliad and the Odyssey. He’s a true Greco-Roman hero, capable of out-witting some of the most powerful mythological creatures while maintaing the ideals of courage and bravery set forth by their gods. Honestly, though, I’m not sure what makes him a 22 seed, as he’s not one of the better fighters the tournament has to offer. Yes, I give a lot of credit to wit and cleverness in battle (see Joker vs. White Witch from Hogwarts Day 1), but that doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have the battle skills to counter successfully.

Frieza, on the other hand, is possibly underrated, even with his limited power (as mentioned in the introduction, all Dragonball characters appear in their weakest form). He still has superhuman strength and reflexes, can fly, and has powerful ranged attacks as well, all with Death in the title (he’s evil, if you couldn’t tell). Death beams and Death Saucers are probably the only attacks Frieza can access in his first form, but that will be more than enough to take out Ulysses. Frieza advances!

6. Captain America vs. 11. Frieza

Now, this is one of those close fights for which a case can be made for both fighters. Frieza can fly, has ranged attacks that can be used multiple times (Captain America can throw his shield, but it would be ill-advised, because it either hits and wins him the fight, or misses and dooms him, and given Frieza’s reflexes, the latter is the safer assumption) and is stronger than Captain America. Captain America is an incredibly disciplined fighter whose shield can block Frieza’s ranged onslaught. The combination of these two ability sets means that Frieza staying in the air will essentially cause a stalemate (ranged attacks won’t pierce Captain America’s defenses, but he won’t be able to attack), which means the fight comes down to a one-on-one physical assault…

…And I’m taking Captain America in that one. I know I said Frieza is the stronger fighter (and he is), and they both have equal damage resistance, but Captain America is the smarter fighter, and I think that will win him this match. Frieza is far more likely to attack with reckless fury and doom himself than Captain America, who will bide his time and wait for the right moment to throw his punches. It’s a very close fight, and I’ll admit both can win on any given day, but I’m giving the slight edge, and the victory, to Captain America. Which means it’s time for the final battle…

3. Optimus Prime vs. 6. Captain America

This is another battle that could essentially go either way, though it’s a bit harder to see Captain America’s side at first. After all, Optimus Prime is a giant robot that should be able to step on Captain America and squish him to death, but we should take the following into account before we write Captain America off:

1. Captain America’s shield should protect him from any of Optimus Prime’s ranged attacks. 

2. Captain America has enough speed, agility, and awareness to recognize any physical attack coming for him.

At the end of the day, each fighter has a win condition they’d have to meet in order to advance. Optimus Prime would have to either sneak a laser blast or series of bullets past Captain America’s shield, or simply punch him. The size difference ensures that a physical attack should be enough to take Cap out. Captain America, meanwhile, would have to perfectly aim a shield throw at Optimus’s chest or next to make him short circuit, or climb up Optimus’s body to do it directly. It seems like Optimus’s win condition is easier to reach until one realizes that comparatively, Optimus’s size means that he’s much slower than Captain America. He can’t react as quickly, nor can he evade well. Given the Decepticons are the same size, that was never much of a problem, but here…it definitely is. 

So, though it will again be a very close battle, I predict Captain America will bide his time long enough to get that perfect shield throw into Optimus Prime and steal away the victory, advancing him to the Sweet Sixteen!

Agree with my decisions? Wishing you could chop off my head with the Captain’s shield? Let me know in the comments below, or on twitter at @RedShirtCrew. And don’t forget to come back tomorrow as we complete the Hogwarts Region and find out who is advancing to the Final Four. Until then, this is MaristPlayBoy, signing out.

From the Archives: Thank You, Marvel

One of my first articles on my old blog was dedicated to the Marvel Cinema Universe, which I continue to hold up as one of the most daring cinematic ventures in history. The project has been brilliant, and my utmost respect and thanks go to those who work at Marvel Studios with these projects and have made my childhood dreams come true. I’ll do an article about the Avengers movie as more details are released, but for now, enjoy this post on one of the greatest cinematic movements of the era.

When I was little, I went away to a summer camp where I struggled to fit in with the other kids (not that I have ever really fit in elsewhere, but bear with me on this; I swear there’s a point). The one friend I made turned out to be a giant comic book fan who introduced me to Batman, Captain America, and all the other major players in the superhero world. I was fascinated with the fantasy aspects of Thor, intrigued by the political satire present in Captain America (yes, I was a massive nerd even back then), and related well to Spiderman’s inability to catch a break.  Unfortunately, given my already difficult social standing at my elementary school, my mother in her infinite wisdom decided it would be too big of a blow to any hope I had left of fitting in and refused to allow me to buy any.

While this is obviously a shame (even more so now that I am free to buy my own comics and realize what I’ve been missing; the Ultimate Marvel series is amazing, and I’m glad DC is rebooting so that I can catch up with them too. I’m too much of a completionist to go back to the beginning, so don’t even ask :P), I was able to live vicariously through the comic book movies that roll around every summer beginning in the summer of 2004, the summer before I turned 12 and perhaps one of the periods in which I was most impressionable throughout my entire life.

Sadly, there weren’t many comic book movies on the scene in those days, and most that did exist were, well, rubbish. Let’s look, shall we, at the movies produced from 2004 to 2007 based on DC and Marvel comics with their aggregate approval scores from Rotten Tomatoes, shall we?

2004: 
Catwoman (DC) – 10%
Spiderman 2 (Marvel) – 93%
The Punisher (Marvel) – 29%
Blade: Trinity (Marvel) – 26%

2005: 
Batman Begins (DC) – 84%
Elektra (Marvel) – 10%
Man Thing (Marvel) – 20%
Fantastic Four (Marvel) – 27%

2006: 
Superman Returns (DC) – 76%
X-Men: The Last Stand (Marvel) – 57%


2007: 
Spiderman 3 (Marvel) – 63%
Ghost Rider (Marvel) – 27%
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Marvel) – 37%

What did we learn? Well, with the exception of Spiderman 2 (the apex of a trilogy that immediately ran out of steam, as seen by the 30% drop in approval rating in the finale that almost assuredly got higher scores due to the quality of the first two), Superman Returns (an average movie that was seen as a critical success largely due to all the visible failure around it), and Batman Begins (don’t worry; I’m not a Marvel fanboy; Christopher Nolan’s work on Batman deserves it’s own post ), the movie industry had failed to service the comic book fans well. Miss after painful miss made most people believe there was simply no place for super heroes in theatres (unless it was Batman because…well, Batman).

Then, a miracle happened. From 2008 to the present day, Marvel rededicated itself to a new strategy: bring the company’s biggest superheroes together in an extravaganza that would change the scope of modern cinema as we knew it. No one had ever even attempted to cross over several different franchises into a single movie, much less franchises with different themes, tones, and even genres. It seemed even more unfeasible that such a crossover would be able to exist in a movie industry that had proven to be unable to handle such a giant task. Yet Marvel refused to back down and instead attempted one of the riskiest plans in movie studio history. And, at least right now, it seems to have done more than just work: it’s exceeded even the most optimistic comic geek’s expectations.

It didn’t start with the biggest bang, mind you. The Incredible Hulk (who will be in the Avengers movie, but will be played by Mark Ruffalo instead of Edward Norton) was a solid movie at best and at worst still better than anything else Marvel had done in recent years (63% Tomatometer). It was enough to pique people’s curiosity in superhero movies once again, and it paid off big time with that summer’s shocking blockbuster: Iron Man.

Robert Downey Jr. nailed almost every aspect of Iron Man as a character. Instead of trying to downplay Tony Stark’s negative qualities, namely his alcoholism and intense narcissism, the director’s focused on the internal struggle of Stark learning to accept responsibility for his actions and grow as a man and the psychology of Obadiah as a power-crazy villain. The move paid off big time, and the fan service at the end of the movie brought the beginnings of the Avenger initiative, which instantly won the hearts of comic book fans that had previously only been able to dream of such a movie becoming a reality.

(Quick tangent: for those of you who don’t know, the Avengers are Marvel’s answer to DC’s Justice League. Pretty much anyone who is anyone in the Marvel Universe has been a part of the team at some point, but there are certain characters who were rarely there and who’s current movie contracts make them almost impossible to include in any Avengers movie unless they can be reworked. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and the Hulk are in; the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Spiderman are not. This is worth mentioning since pretty much everyone not involved has a much shakier movie history than those who are involved, which makes me feel as if the Avengers is a lock to be amazing. And yes, I am furiously knocking on wood as I write this sentence.)

Iron Man wasn’t just a fan favorite; it received universal acclaim from critics as well, earning a 94% on the Tomatometer, the highest of any superhero movie since, well, ever, to be honest. And it didn’t stop there. After a lackluster effort in X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which was produced by 20th Century Fox, not Marvel Studios, and wasn’t given much attention due to the Avengers Initiative) that earned a paltry 37%, Iron Man 2 came roaring back for redemption. While it was admittedly just more Iron Man, that was clearly not a bad thing, as Tony’s struggle to deal with his poor health led to an entertaining two hour romp that earned a 74% on its own merit and introduced several new elements to this shocking Avenger Initiative, most notably the introduction of Thor’s magical hammer, Mjolnir.

The success of the Avengers project now rested almost solely on the capabilities of those at the helm of the other two major Marvel franchises taking part in this crossover-to-end-all-crossovers: Thor and Captain America. Each had their own unique set of issues with which they had to deal. Thor’s director Kenneth Branagh had to decide whether to present the dealings in the comics with all the fantastical elements removed or keep them as is and risk alienating their less fantasy-oriented audience. Captain America’s director Joe Johnston (which is about as white a name as you can get, for the record) had to balance the American patriotism present in the comics while not alienating non-American cultures with the jingoism and, let’s face it, superiority complex that Captain America has routinely displayed in the comics.

Both men met the tough job head on and were all the better for it. Thor (77%) kept all the fantasy elements in place, and the fans could not have been more ecstatic. The insight into Norse mythology and the doors opened for future Thor sequels and Avengers movies to use magical objects without dropping the realistic present in comic book movies made Thor my personal favorite so far. Plus, it was nice to see Natalie Portman enjoying herself as the geek lusting after the hot guy rather than the girl over whom most geeky guys lust after like almost every other movie in which she’s been. Captain America (78%) created a character in protagonist Steve Rogers who is simply a good person, easy to root for regardless of cultural background. The cosmic cube and super soldier serum gave Captain America a fantastical vibe of its own while still being relatively grounded in World War II history. Plus, villains who were literally too evil for Hitler are badass.

So where are we now? Well, now that Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America have been well established, the time has come for the three of them to finally join forces. And boy, does it look awesome from where I’m sitting. Plus, now that X-Men: First Class successfully rebooted the X-Men franchise (86%), it seems like the sky is the limit for Marvel Studios. I’ll even give them the benefit of the doubt on the Ghost Rider sequel and the Spiderman reboot that both look less than stellar…

…Ok, maybe not benefit of the doubt, but I’m at least willing to look past them because there’s gonna be a freakin’ Avengers movie in 2012. If you haven’t gotten the message yet, check these Avengers movies out, and ready yourself for the adventure of a lifetime (or at least my lifetime :P) next summer.

In other words, thank you, Marvel, for making my childhood fantasies finally come true. 🙂

Ranking Movies: The Difference Between Good, Good-Bad, and Bad-Good

We’ve all been there before: you’re talking to your friends about movies that you both enjoy. One of you inevitably brings up a movie that he or she enjoys, only to the other friend’s dismay. “How could you enjoy that movie?”, they ask. “It’s so bad.” The other responds, “What movie did you see? This one was awesome!” Name calling and general stupidity follows, and the conversations stops being fun.

If only there were a ranking system that people could use that could potentially disarm these arguments, or at least present them in a way where everyone knew exactly where they stood. Well, luckily for you all, I happen to be obsessed with making lists/ranking systems, so I’m going to do just that.

Let’s start with the obvious sections, the movies that almost everyone who sees them knows exactly where they fall. The first group are the amazing movies, movies that are so great that pretty much every who sees them loves them, or at the very least can see that they are great films. For example, Batman: The Dark Knight was easily one of the greatest superhero movies of all time (tied with Iron Man on the tomatometer). Christopher Nolan directed the movie perfectly, recreating the Gotham City with whom the comic fans fell in love in “The Killing Joke”. Heath Ledger put in a brilliant performance as the Joker, literally terrifying audiences everywhere with just how insane he actually is. Clever action sequences as well as the brutal fall from grace of Harvey Dent, and you have a movie that came together perfectly. Even if you don’t like superhero movies, you probably enjoyed the Dark Knight, and if you didn’t love it, you were at least able to appreciate why other people did. That’s the mark of a great movie and trust me, the Dark Knight is a GREAT movie.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, everyone seems to have a sense for when a movie is genuinely awful. No one came out of Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender thinking it was anything other than a massive pile of shit. Dialogue was forced and stuffed to the brim with exposition, the fight scenes didn’t work, and the life and soul that had drawn such a strong cult following for the animated series was brutally murdered before the movie even began. The Transformers movies by Michael Bay belong here too, but I’ll get to them eventually. Those movies have earned a rant of hatred all on their own. (Same goes for Green Lantern. To all those that helped produce that piece of crap they called a movie, I have two words for you: Fuck you. Not enough? I’ll be coming back to this later. The things I’ll do for my audience… :P)

Then of course, there are the bad movies, and surprisingly, everyone seems to agree on these, too. Cowboys and Aliens came out this past summer, and it couldn’t have been more of a letdown. It’s hard to tell where exactly it went wrong. The plot was weak, but in a movie titled “Cowboys and Aliens”, I wasn’t really asking for much. The actors had talent and put effort into their work, but none of it really showed. The aliens were underwhelming, but they weren’t horrendous. It was just missing that special something that makes a movie like this fun, and seriously, there is no bigger tragedy than having a movie titled “Cowboys and Aliens” not be fun. Thus, a bad movie. Not awful like The Last Airbender, but still far from good.

No, these aren’t where the problems occur. The problems lie in the middle three categories: the good, the good-bad, and the bad-good.

What do I mean? Well, let’s look at some examples from the Marvel Movie Universe (since, as those of you who listened to the podcast already know, I am obsessed with the Avengers movie and all that occurs in its universe).

First, let’s look at The Incredible Hulk. No, not the god-awful Hulk movie from 2003; I speak instead of the film from 2008 starring Edward Norton. Now, this movie was well-received (at least by the old standards of comic book based movies), and I actually remember liking it when I saw it, but as I was ready to write about it as a good movie, I realized something rather strange:

I don’t actually remember anything from it.

Other than the most basic of plot points (Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk the same way he always does) and Abomination’s reveal (an awesome villain for the Hulk, in my opinion) I don’t remember a single thing about this movie. It doesn’t stand up. I wouldn’t stop anybody from watching it because it appears to be fundamentally good, but it clearly wasn’t my cup of tea since I can’t tell you anything about it.

This is the prime example of the bad-good movie: a movie that is fundamentally good, but doesn’t stick out as good to you because it doesn’t appeal to that sense in your brain that tells you that you’re really enjoying this movie. It’s not bad; it’s just not for you. Thus, bad-good.

The Social Network was like this for me. I’m a big characterization nerd when it comes to movies, and the idea of a movie focused entirely on characterization and presenting the story about something I enjoy sounded like it would be something right up my alley, but it wasn’t. I hated this movie. I found Zuckerberg to be a pretentious dick, and I couldn’t root for him to be successful, but since the camera kept following him, I clearly wasn’t supposed to be rooting for the bad guys (who were also dicks), so I was left with nothing but a character study into how unlikable people can be.

Buuuut, that being said, I can totally understand why some people loved it. The opening is well done, the cinematography was executed perfectly, and the actors do a great job with the parts they are given (unlikable though those parts may be). I am not arguing that it wasn’t a good movie, just that I didn’t like it.

To find our next category of movies from the Marvel den, I’m going to fast forward to my most anticipated release of this past summer: Thor. Now, I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to Thor because I’d heard great things (reactions were more mixed) or because the trailer blew me away (though it did) but because I really like fantasy and I really like Thor. All I wanted was to see Thor grab his hammer and hit people into another dimension, and in this way, the movie delivered. So clearly that makes it good, right?

Not exactly. See, while I loved the movie due to it perfectly matching my tastes, I have to admit that the art design for Asgard wasn’t what it could have been, and the romance between Natalie Portman’s character (a love interest so interesting that I’ve completely forgotten her name) and Thor seemed forced and arbitrary. These are significant flaws that hold it back from being enjoyable for some people, but I still loved it.

This is why the good-bad category exists. I’m not saying Thor is a great movie, or even a good one, but I enjoyed it and people who are like me will too. That’s what good-bad means.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Chase, you incredibly witty and entertaining man, this doesn’t seem that different from the bad-good movie. In fact, the only discerning factor seems to be a matter of taste, so why do they belong in different categories?

The short answer is that you’re right and they really don’t. The distinction matters on a personal level, but when comparing to others, it’s irrelevant. Good-bad or bad-good, the movie is still entirely dependent on your movie taste to discern its ranking. It didn’t do enough to make itself good, but it didn’t hurt itself enough to be seen as bad. It’s up to taste at that point, but knowing that this is where you are is how you avoid pointless debates that end with you realizing that both of you think the same thing.

This is why I understand people who like Avatar (James Cameron’s movie, not the Last Airbender; I will never understand anyone who enjoys that tripe) even though I dislike it. Those that enjoy it will point to the incredible graphics and the far-out concepts presented as a sign of its quality. Those that don’t will point to the recycled plot, mediocre acting, and pretentious message. Good-bad? Bad-good? Depends on which aspects mean more to you. In my opinion, a movie needs more than really great art direction to be a good movie, but you may disagree. That’s fine. So please, let’s stop arguing over the difference between bad-good and good-bad movies, ok? Good. Now we’re getting somewhere 🙂

Now that that’s settled, let’s look at the other Marvel movie that came out this summer: Captain America: the First Avenger. This movie was exactly what it was supposed to be: a fun action-packed movie featuring an incredibly likable protagonist (“I don’t want to kill anybody. I just don’t like bullies” is my favorite line from anything) beating up people more evil than Nazis. Seriously, how could anyone not like this? Sure it doesn’t revolutionize anything the same way that The Dark Knight or Iron Man did, but it’s perfectly executed and just plain fun.

That’s a good movie. A movie that does what it wants to do without transcending our expectations but is still fun is good. I hate that I have to keep explaining this to people who seem to think that the only good movies are those that make us drop everything and question life and our importance in the world. Those are what the great movies tend to do, but that doesn’t mean the B-level action movie or the standard superhero fare isn’t good. If you’re enjoying it for what it is and those outside the genre can respect that as well, you know you’re watching a good movie.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World fits here too. Now, I tend to overrate it in my daily life because it is a love letter to people like me, but it’s not a great movie in and of itself. It is, however, a good movie if you have even the slightest cursory knowledge of nerd culture. Seriously, this movie is overwhelmingly fun. The artistic style is one of a kind and brilliantly executed, giving the movie a unique and unforgettable voice. The action scenes are well executed, and humor is witty and brilliant throughout. Maybe it doesn’t take us to the next level of nerd movie epicness, but it definitely goes to an enjoyable place, and it’s a solidly good movie. And at the end of the day, that’s all I really wanted from it.

So what do we do with this ranking system I’ve developed? Well, here’s the scale:

Amazing
Good
Good-Bad/Bad-Good
Bad
Awful

If you’re within one level of disagreement, let it go (especially in those center levels; seriously, the difference between good-bad and good isn’t worth debating). Two levels is probably time to start a conversation and see what’s wrong with your friend. Three or more, and we might have to step outside.

I suggest a baseball bat mafia-style. The true American way…