Review: Bioshock Infinite

This article ran as part of our April Fool’s Series. It is not to be taken seriously in any possible way. Enjoy. 

As a man who once put Bioshock in his personal Video Game Hall of Fame, a list I still completely agree with and am in no way embarrassed of at the current moment, I can firmly call myself an Irrational Games fan. I was the first to freak out when Good Old Games announced System Shock 2 would finally be available. I’ve played the original at least three times through, and I’ve watched my girlfriend play through Bioshock 2, a game that surprisingly managed to equal its predecessor in depth and storytelling while improving the combat. So imagine my surprise when Bioshock Infinite turned out to be a pile of rubbish.

First of all, for a series that has always based itself on story, especially the second one, bringing an important character out of nowhere and totally integrating her into the mythos without it feeling forced or contrived in any way, the story of Bioshock Infinite is rather lacking. It starts with the setting, which is just a really cheap cop out. Look, I know there isn’t much that’s going to top being in an underwater city, but an entire city existing in the sky? Really? You’re just trying too hard at that point. It could have been a regular city and, with the exception of some scripted moments and that overused rail system, everything else would have been the same, except far more believable. I just don’t buy that this city could operate the way it does, and it sucks any immersion I could have had right out of me. Clearly, they should have suck to a more reasonable design like the original game did.

Also, tonics? Really? You didn’t think we’d notice that you pretty much just switched the word “plasmid” to “tonic”, and left the combat system at that? I mean, have you ever heard of the word innovation, Ken Levine, or are you just satisfied to retread a combat system we’ve seen twice now within this series? It feels quite lazy, as the only real difference between how these systems work is a semantic one. Hell, “eve” is just replaced with “salts”. You might as well not make another game if you’re just going to use the same combat system without any major changes. I dare you to name one series in which constantly innovating battle systems and control schemes was not a good idea.

As for the story, I just couldn’t bring myself to care. It’s clear after the cover controversy that happened late last year that Ken Levine and the rest of Irrational Games just doesn’t care about making a complex story with a deep, rich narrative like they used to. I’ve played through the entire game, and I can’t name a single worthwhile moment to talk about. It’s a game made for bros by a man who seems to be slowly becoming one himself, and to fall from such lofty heights is shameful. This game had the opportunity to make a female character worth talking about years from now, and they threw her aside to let a bland, uninteresting Nathan Drake ripoff steal the show. Anita Sarkeesian must be furious, and I hope her video series, which is flawless in every possible way, addresses this soon.

The graphic are all right, if you’re into that sort of thing. Spoon covered it before, but this is just one time where we’ll have to agree to disagree. I wasn’t nearly as impressed as I was with the design of other recent games like Army of Two: The Devil’s Cartel, which manages to somehow be so much more than the same cooperative shooter we’ve played twice before, honest. If you’re going to do a sky city (still not over that), you should at least have the decency to do it right. As David Cage correctly pointed out, emotions come directly and exclusively from great graphic design, so perhaps my lack of immersion comes from there.

At the end of the day, this is a game of nothing but missed opportunities. The combat system is dated, the art design is lackluster, and the story is exclusively for the bros who asked for that crappy cover art in the first place. I’d say I was sad Ken Levine had stooped so low, but I doubt he even cares given the giant pile of Halo-bro money he’s about to be swimming in. I know it won’t affect much, but I implore you to spend your $60 elsewhere. Go get the new Sim City, for instance. I’ve had nothing but positive experiences with it so far.

Chase Wassenar, aka MaristPlayBoy, is the Lead Editor and Founder of the Red Shirt Crew. He only wishes Bioshock Infinite was nothing like the game described above and that this review was merely a prank, but given today’s date, there’s little chance of that being the case. You can read his other articles at ToyTMA, follow him on Twitter at @RedShirtCrew, or email him at theredshirtcrew@gmail.com.